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[29 Jul 2009|09:56pm] there is this big puzzle I am trying to put together... i just started so right now everything looks like it doesn't go together.. just random pieces with similar colors on either sides.. i normally describe myself as a mess.. a mess in this life that i know nothing about.. but projecting this image on myself is definitely not helping me get my shit together.. so what am i going to do ? i'm letting go..that's what im doing.. of everything that is not worth my time.. starting a new in everything..rebooting my head.. clearing myself of the bad .. and sometimes it's super hard and I just want to lay and cry but even as cheesy as it is.. there are times i have to look in the mirror and tell myself that "im ok" things are getting way better..i just need to learn to continue this momentum... [shake shake].

[14 Jun 2009|07:38pm] I'm crying on a bus bench, yes this is as pathetic as I am. I hate that I have let soo many things affect me as much as they have... People cripple me... Why? How? Why am I not capable of making one decision without fearing every other possible option? Ridiculous I tell you... So lets turn this around and tell you about my day.. I wake up and my neck has a horrible pain. This is due to the fact that I sleep on a mattress on the floor since my grandmother passed away and they gave me back my room. I had an early morning shift which was convenient for lack of a better word. I convinced my mom to drive me so instead of waking up at 7am I got to wake up at 8am for my 10 o' clock shift. I ended up sleeping till 8:30 which put me in rush to get ready. At one point after I had gotten ready I went to make a sandwich for breakfast and stepped right on a pile of toby's poo. Awesome ! Shoes are now trash and this set the tone to my day. The rest of the day came and went..no one responding to any of my txt messages for a ride home. I know its not anyone's responsibility to get me home but since I was off at 7pm and it takes around 2 and a half hours to get home I just didn't want to get home at 10pm when I have to be up at 415am to do this all again tomorrow. Since no one was answering I asked my dept. Manager if I could leave 30 minutes early ..she said no then I explained why and she told me to transfer. Eventhough she knows that its impossible for me to transfer to my old district. I reminded her of that and then she told me that maybe I shouldn't work there. I wholeheartedly agree yet at this point..right at that moment there was nothing I could do about that..In fact not until after I go to Peru can I actually quit. So I'm kind of in the position of "I made my bed now lie in it".. Hey life thanks, I will learn not to step in poo ever again. 2 down -[shake shake].

life is very weird right now [08 May 2009|05:26pm] ... i don't even know how to explain it.. i have someone i love dearly slowly dying right next door to me right now...I don't even know how i feel about that because i try to ignore if i feel anything at all... it's like a ticking bomb we don't know when it's going to go off but when we do all of a sudden i will be dealing with something very real.. every phone call or text i think to myself "could that be it?" i can't even go to work without wondering if i'm going to work a full day or if something is going to happen.... supposedly it's nearing very soon..her breathes are now about 4 a minute and i just once again...don't understand my life... the weirdest thing about all of this is that it has brought me to a whole new place of positive thinking... i can't dwell on the bad right now when things could be so much worse.. if there is one thing im learning right now is to live life to the fullest and to do those things that you always wanted to do before it's too late... so im going to make things happen from now on! no more "trying" now just doing....it has to happen ..it has to be like that for my sanity's sake! [shake shake].

[24 Dec 2008|12:57am] things haven't changed at all..maybe the weather..but other than that it almost seems like everything is the same. I feel more than a mess than ever ! but i am calm about this realization hoping to change this with the new year. Maybe I'll do some things for the better , maybe im done with rash decisions? Who knows! but i am big on new beginnings. I'm listening to Joanna Newsom (shoot me) I have always hated her ! her voice made it impossible to listen to her but listening to the stray light run cover of "peach plum pear" made me want to hear the original and so i downloaded and have had it on repeat for the past 20 minutes. Maybe i'm over hating things , or being overly opinionated about music because everything i guess either grows on you or has a time. Except for linking park and papa roach i don't think i can ever be in the mood for that shit. Ok i take it back im not done hating things..I've only just begun. My room is a mess , a huge disgusting mess that i need to get around to cleaning before the new year. My mom has it in her head that it's the source of my unhappiness but i think i have other ideas. I spend monday afternoon at the steps of some strangers apartment balling my eyes out. There really was no reason for it besides my unhappiness that i take full responsibility for. There is a cure and obviously it's to do things that don't make me unhappy . I"ll work on that in 2009. I can't always have shit years.. learning to play guitar is high on my list of things to learn in the new year. Maybe i'll take singing lessons, i just want to be creative all the time. [shake shake].

[31 Aug 2008|10:01am] i update this ... www.littlemotel.com more than i update anything... im just sayin' yesterday was a doozy of a day. i basically went to work to feel like a fucking lame, loser, loner, and whatever other l-word can come to mind. really though it's not like im out to be ms. popularity but it would just be nice if people didn't straight out ignore me. i have never felt so bad being a square , i mean i like who i am. im sorry i don't go to scene clubs and get wasted all the time that's just not me ya know? im sure people will warm up to me soon because i just hate feeling ostracized im making an effort and very few people have responded but it's not like i want to be their best friends i would just like for someone to entertain a conversation with me during my 8 hour shifts at work since im there 80% of the time ya know? whaaa whaa whaaa i know right? so im going to new york for 4 days this is 60% set september 17 -21st. i will be celebrating my birthday early with some peeps, watching musicals , getting lost in parks , you know the usual. then i will have a get together in la for all my friends here and that will probably just be a chill dinner nothing too fancy. then on my actual birthday i will be heading to san francisco to celebrate there with jen and my friends ! there will be phoenix hotel, photobooths, bars and dancing? this will most def cheer me up.! 1 down -[shake shake].

[08 Aug 2008|01:33pm] im geeking out because of this.... also life is so mundane it saddens me. but on the bright side... i saw pinneaple express with shadi last night and it was SO FUUCKING GOOD!!! there are so many good movies that are coming out in the next few months and im just happy to be home to see them front row with shadi... [shake shake].

[04 Aug 2008|03:27pm] all i keep doing is listening to jeremy enigk's song "don't go racing" sooo sweeettttt im watching toby sleep...i started work yesterday and i HATED it! downright LOATHED it...... i hope things will get better but i just really don't feel right at that store..i wonder if there is a way to erase that store and start from scratch.. ............................. I'm turning 25 in a little more than a month.. and i really have nothing together..which is very unfortunate but im still going to celebrate..I wanted to have 3 parties one here and 2 in vegas.. but now im trying to plan a trip to Indiana........im so lame.. all i want is for all of us to go on a trip like we used to .. that's all i want....all of us together... i hope it happens now to shower... [shake shake].

[31 Jul 2008|12:42pm] there are 3 things i need to get off my chest.. 1st. hmmmm..my birthday is september 26 i was planning a 3 day excursion this year because im turning 25! and then i wake up to this.. a certain band has announced tour dates this morning... Sep 24: Columbus, OH @ Newport Music Hall Sep 26: Indianapolis, IN @ Egyptian Room @ Murat Centre Sep 27: Cincinnati, OH @ Bogart's ..and my first question was ...how do i make Indianapolis fun?? i hate myself and i want to die for even considering making this a birthday celebration..so vegas and mamma mia is still on! 2nd. i really am starting to hate miley cyrus..i was hoping this wasn't going to happen..and in all honesty i hope it's just a stage im going through ...but first the selena gomez /demi lovato thing (if you don't know anything about this consider yourself lucky that you are not as pathetic as i am) and now the katy perry thing..ugh STFU and GTFO ...and shit take katy perry with you because she is the most obnoxious Zoeey Deschanel rip off.. 3rd. I'm so excited that they have finally released The Wackness everywhere! The movie itself was a riot and I didn't think i was going to like it since i hate the idea of stoner movies but this is way beyond and i just want to see it again because it was soo good not just cuz Josh Peck is hot.... [shake shake].

[29 Jul 2008|02:13am] i want romance... or maybe some marc jacob flats will do? i haven't done ANYTHING in the past few days.. besides causing some trouble (not really) with shadi which is always fun...but really i need to work or do something im just so bored but at the same time so relaxed..it's getting me all antsy .. i have spend an hour on this one site trying to see if i can get some chanel flats or marc flats at reasonable prices..i always wondered if i cared if something was "fake" anything...but i realized today that i really don't...to me there is no difference between a fake marc jacobs bag or a real one because it looks EXACTLY the same and the only difference is my pocket isn't as dented as it normally would be.. and maybe for this i should be shot because i guess all i care about in fashion is really what's cute and what's not cute...im sure there is a whole lot of integrity that is lost by buying a fake prada or a fake fendi but i really dont give a fuck.. growing up all that excited me about fashion was creating .. and i love the idea of just putting things together...or seeing things a different way then other people.. fashion is an extension of your personality..that's why a vneck and jeans can be a great fashion moment.. it's all how you wear it.. that being said i started sketching again tonight..i don't know what will come of it.. but i forgot how much i loved to be creative.... who knows maybe there is something brewing after all... [shake shake].

[06 Jul 2008|08:09pm] i bought too much shit this weekend.. i was cleaning out our backstock to restock sale and i found some gems..unfortunately i have already packed and it seems that i have no room for more clothes.. im so tired.. this morning i decided that it would be a great idea to over sleep and be late to work..ugh.. this is the first time in my history of work that i've done that ....ok wait...i take that back. i did used to work with michelle and get to work late at least once a week..so much so there was a joke in the office that if me and michelle slept at our desk we would still be late to work ..which was kind of true..once we drove back from san diego and slept in the parking lot at 2am since we started at 5am and yes we were late! it's 11:11 i made a wish. im going to sleep now i do want to say though that i'm in love with wall-e [shake shake].

[03 Jul 2008|11:50pm] today i went to cash my check and the guy at the counter looked at my I.D. and told me that I've been in new york long enough and that i needed a new york I.D. I laughed and responded with .... well whatever i said wasn't important...it's more like i was just happy to be able to say it. So things do happen for a reason and i am keeping my fingers crossed for some great news. I've been working really hard for this company and i just wanted a break in an area that im really interested in..im ready to do something else ...i should stop talking about it since you know i've already jinxed everything.. in two weeks jesse/kevin tour starts and yes i will be in california... and yes i am flying VIRGIN AMERICA.. after that week things are up in the air.. yet again i don't want to jinx it.. im making a list of things to do.. oh wait its like 2am must sleep .. [shake shake].

sooo sleepy.. [25 Jun 2008|08:59pm] i didn't sleep at all last night i got home around 6ish in the morning. all due to work..mexican food..and a need to go see hairspray... which is probably the best part..today i had 3 hours sleep all again to go see hairspray on broadway.. and I DID.. i went by myself and put my name in the lottery for the matinee show i knew that i was going to get tickets..i had a real strong feeling i didn't even expect to go home empty handed and yep..i got two tickets front row 25 dollars each ..when they normally sell for 115 i think? I can't even explain how giddy i was throughout the whole show.. i finally understand how Diego feels.. It took me completely back to meeting Diego and having him show me the wonderful world of Hairspray! the sing alongs and all ...gosh i was in awe of the production of how great the songs sounded live.. i almost lost it when they sang "momma im a big girl now" ...i wanted to get up and dance right there and then! It was just ridiculous..and now i just want to go back over and over until i can't go anymore... so what im trying to say is i fucking love diego for showing me this world..hahaha 1 down -[shake shake].

[14 Jun 2008|12:13am] i eat ..and eat..and eat.. so not good right now.. but i'll tell you what is good.. watching TV on your laptop.. pretty much the laziest thing you can EVER do.. im lying in bed and don't even need to turn my head to watch tv.. its right in front of me.. .. i just sounded really fat huh? [shake shake].

[09 Jun 2008|01:26am] i don't even remember writing my last lj post.. drunk posting should not be allowed... i called soo many people yesterday i was ridiculous it's been so hot here in new york ... i can't even explain to you how im melting as we speak puddles of my own sweat are definitely not cool! ... i've never missed home as much as i do now and my phone has barely rang since i got back to new york.. not one of my family members has called ... someone get the memo im still alive thanks! in other news ..i have the day off tomorrow.. [shake shake].

[31 May 2008|11:21pm] homesick. i've been working too much and it's only been two days. i keep having dreams about dogs..i miss toby.. im planning an escape ..but at the same time im definitely making plans to live it up..!!! i want to go get some film, and just take the train everywhere.. i want to travel this summer.. i really want to go to louisville, kentucky...anyone with me? 2 down -[shake shake].

[22 May 2008|09:08pm] im home and it feels perfect! i suprised michelle at work for her birthday when i saw her i wanted to cry, when i saw the sun i wanted to cry.. it's just beautiful all around really.. i came home to a full house and a dog what a family ...i can't wait to see my best friends soon.. its stupid for me to assume that people are as excited to see me as i am to see them though.. life lessons ..life lessons.. new york city seems like it was months ago.. im here till thursday btw. 3 down -[shake shake].

going home for a week ... [08 May 2008|06:10pm] get excited yo! as ryan would say .. im really really really really looking forward to home more than anyone can imagine.. eeeekkkk i want to jump up for joy.. 6 down -[shake shake].

[15 Apr 2008|08:26pm] i am basically homeless and i just bought a nikon digital slr.. is this stupid? maybe...but really i justified this splurge (with help from lexy) with the fact that i never really buy myself anything..i mean anything BIG..i always get clothes, on sale, or from thrift stores. My shoes are always rite aid shoes.. i eat from the dollar menus ..and i take public transportation everywhere. i have never bought something for myself over 100 dollars..unless it was a plane ticket. so on that note i'll probably be a nomad for a few more months.. im staying with jean until june 1st. then im subletting lexy's apartment for the month of june..still no problem.. i want to save the most amount of money possible so when, or if i ever move back to california i can get a car (finally , huh?) tomorrow i have work and that really sucks. today was the best sunny day in new york city .. i went to central park and just walked around , me and lexy then went to see smart people with ellen page . I really really just get irked by that girl, i dont know why but maybe it's her pompous and arrogant persona she gives off. Anyways it was perfectly fitting for this role and eventhough at times i thought this movie was annoying at the end it was very cute and turned out to be one of those movies where you have to watch the whole thing to really get it. tomorrow i think im going to visit jackie..besides that sleep sounds good right now. 3 down -[shake shake].

[13 Apr 2008|08:34pm] i just tried nair for the first time .. and can i say...ouch! is it suppose to ouch! i don't think so... note to self: people who come to work drunk aren't really productive.. in other news, forever 21 has started this new price point thing, where they choose an item and mark it all at the same price point.. so this time around it was dresses for 11.50 ...and i got two..oops wow drowning your sorrows in retail therapy really works.. did i mention i still don't have an apartment..ha details details.. [shake shake].

[04 Apr 2008|06:45pm] do i like him? i don't remember if i do ? ok i lie..i know i do .. but how do i like him??? [shake shake].

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